Ruby is very frustrated with her hair. It's getting longer now, and it is super kinky and thick. I usually keep it in corn rows, which looks really cute, but she gets tired of that (mostly of the time it takes to braid and later take down). However, she does like it that once the braids are in we don't have to mess with her hair much for about two weeks. She gets so frustrated when it's time to take down the braids and comb it out that she's about it tears. It's really hard to comb out -- takes a lot of time and hurts her scalp. (I use a great conditioner and then a detangling product and make my own shea mixture for moisturizer.)
So here's my question. Is it OK to relax her hair and let it grow, or would it be better to cut it shorter and leave it natural? I don't want her to think that straight hair is "better." I want her to love the way she looks naturally, but the problem is, right now she doesn't. She really dislikes having curly, tangly hair and is very unhappy with it. I'm not sure how to best handle this in order to make sure she has a great self image. I think she's beautiful just the way she is. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
5 comments:
man, I wish I had some advice. Jameson and I are both so frustrated with her hair. I would love for her to just be able to wear it down with a head band... but seriously, it takes on the shape of whatever she leans against and it ends up being this huge, tangled of conehead looking mess. If we ride in the car, the back of it is flat and she gets this huge Don King looking do. When she gets up in the morning... oh my!!! It takes so much time to tame it. I used to use rubber bands a lot and do little sections all over her head and twist them, but either she has so much new hair growth or we've damaged her hair with the rubber bands, it's all fuzzy with new or broken hair all over the front and ends up looking awful within a day. This is a really long response isn't it? Basically... I don't know what to tell you... did that help? ha
I have the same issue as you and Gina w/ Beza - especially the part about making the back flat.
If she's wearing her hair natural (no braids, etc.) I have to completely wet it down every morning (kitchen sink sprayer). Then I use a leave-in conditioner (like Mixed Chicks) and work it through a small section at a time. Throw a headband in (big fat wide one) and we're pretty good. I love the way it looks. By the time she gets home from school it can get pretty wild.
I mix that up with doing the braids, or twists. Usually those last a max of 4-5 days because she gets the fuzzies like Jameson. She looks pretty cute in even a pontytail. Her hair isn't very long (at least when it's curly). Probably very close to Ruby's length.
Beza has asked me to straighten her hair. Apparently her Grammie did it in Ethiopia sometimes with a pressing comb. I got a flatner that a friend recommended and have done it to her hair twice. The problem is that because her hair is still so kinky it doesn't lay very flat and smooth and just kind of puffs. I don't think it looks that great and max it lasts 2-3 days.
I am hesitant to use chemicals in her hair and I have the same issues with her wanting to be proud of who she is and comfortable with how God made her. But honestly, I dye my hair, have had my fair share of perms.
I just think that maybe we see it differently because we tie it to their ethnicity and feel like by giving into their desire to change something that we are sending some bigger message. And maybe they're not saying that at all. Maybe it's a stage just like I always went through - wanted curly hair, back to straight, long short.
Not sure any of those answers help. Keep us posted though.
BTW - whenever I'm combing Beza's hair I always make sure it's really wet (spray bottle w/ 1 part oil to 6 parts water) and use a really wide tooth comb. It's got kind of long triangular sticks on it. Kind of unusual it works great though. Let me know if you want me to take a picture of it or something.
Ok, I know I'm not African American and I don't have adopted children from Ethiopia. But, as your good friend, I felt like I could throw my 2 cents worth in..ha. Rebecca, I have absolutely NO doubt that you will instill in your girls a high sense of self-worth and self-esteem...no matter what they decide to do with their hair. Hair is only an external part of us. And I know it's an important identity trait for them but like Julie said, we choose to dye our hair and get perms, etc. I would think that as long as the relaxing part doesn't have any lasting effects on her body or hair, then if it will make her happier and you more sane, then go for it. Love you!
This is an issue I've struggled with as well. After I had Faven's hair straightened (used the child's texture softener), I read articles about it being a bad thing for a white mom to do to their black child's hair because it may give them the impression that their hair is bad. I haven't gotten that message from Faven at all!! I have to say that I enjoy being able to comb through Faven's hair each morning without any tears and being able to hand her a comb or brush so she can care for it herself. Diborah's hair I have chosen to leave curly because it is much easier to take care of than Faven's was! Also, I think that combing through Faven's very tangly hair several times a day caused it more damage than the texture softener.
If I struggled with an issue with my hair that caused me tears of pain and frustration, I would certainly seek high and low for a product that would help alleviate that issue.
With that said,I think it has to be a personal decision. It has to be one that you feel comfortable with. I would never tell someone else that it is what they should do...just that this is what I chose and it works for us.
Just yesterday, Faven and I were watching tv and saw an african american girl with curly hair. We discussed how her hair was beautiful and how she seems to really like it too. We also talk about Michele Obama's hair (and her daughters') and how Faven's looks like hers. There are plenty of examples of beautiful african american girls who we can use as positive examples for our children to show them how they can be confident in who they are no matter what!
Rebecca, you are a great mom! I have no doubt that your girls will grow up to be wonderful, confident women!!! Can't wait to see what you decide!
Rebecca - I was doing some more research online today and found this site. I haven't finished watching some of the videos but I'm thinking about ordering it.
http://www.freshlookhair.com/
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